Death By Blog: Shrek Villains Battle Royale

“Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed..”

— Smash Mouth

Welcome to DBB

Once upon a time, a long time ago, there was a lovely princess, and she had an enchantment of some sorts. You see, one day she was cursed by a witch, and when the sun went down she would turn into a dreaded ogre. Only true love's kiss could lift her curse, so she waited in a tower, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. However, no one would have guessed that an Ogre named Shrek, whose roar was feared throughout the land, would save the beautiful Princess Fiona. True love's kiss led to marriage, children, and a happily ever after..but not everyone got a Happily Ever After. In a world of fairytale and magic, there were many of those who yearned for ultimate power. Whether it was becoming a true king, becoming a powerful queen, having immense power and control over the vast lands, or wanting to use this magic to rule the entire world. These villains faced the Ogre himself, or his friends such as the favorite fearless hero, Puss in Boots. All of these rivals may have lost, but here, they have a second chance at victory; they have another chance to prove that they deserve victory; they are…

Lord Farquaad: The soon-to be king of Duloc

Fairy Godmother: Granter of Happily Ever Afters

Rumpelstiltskin: Far Far away deal maker

Jack Horner: Owner of Jack Horner Pie Co.

You know me, FMT

And it's time to see which Fairytale Fiend has the best Arsenal, Abilities and Actions to find out who will be sentenced to Death By Blog

Before We Begin

Now as most people know, there are a lot more Shrek villains than the ones we included, so where are they? Death I wouldn't call as villainous as everyone else, and his overall nature wouldn't really fit this kind of scenario. Humpty doesn't do anything, and.. he's an Egg, and Jack & Jill are not close enough to make up for it (no mother goose absolutely doesn't count as support). Goldi and the 3 Bears have the same problem, they definitely don't have enough to make up for the gap in arsenal, support, or power like Jack at least could do. And Charming, while he'll be in the blog, is not a main villain for the royale. 1. He's a terrible villain in Shrek the 3rd, and 2. He would never fight his mother, no way around that…So what will we be using for the fight? We'll basically be using everything that's reasonable to include. The movies, animated shorts, videogames, comics and novels…now it's Shrekkin’ time!

Background

Lord Farquaad

"I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king!"

Once upon a time, in a kingdom so small,

Lived Lord Farquaad, the shortest of all.

Abandoned at birth by a dwarf father untrue,

With a mother who vanished, he never quite knew.

He swore he’d be mighty, he swore he’d be grand,

And dreamed of a castle to rule over the land.

He built up Duloc, so shiny and neat,

A kingdom of order, perfection complete.

Yet magic and fairies he banished away,

For creatures of wonder had no place to stay.

His rule was of mirrors, of banners, of might,

But his heart still was empty, alone every night.

To rise as a true king, a bride he must take,

And Princess Fiona would suit for his sake.

From her fiery tower he plotted her claim,

But feared to go forth, so an ogre he named.

“Bring me the princess, fulfill my demand,

And I shall reward you back your swampy land!”

Yet fate had a twist, as fairytales show,

For love found the princess, but not with her beau.

Shrek spoiled the wedding, exposed all his lies,

And the dragon returned with fire in her eyes.

Poor Farquaad was swallowed, his reign torn apart,

A fitting dark end for his black little heart.

But even in death, he schemed to return,

As ghostly and vengeful, he still tried to burn.

Yet heroes prevailed, and his spirit was tossed,

Forever a tyrant whose kingdom was lost.

So remember Lord Farquaad, his pride and his fall—

The littlest man with ambitions too tall.

Fairy Godmother

“Remember, happiness is just a teardrop away…”

Once upon a time, with a sparkle and song,

Lived Fairy Godmother, ambitious and strong.

With potions and spells she enchanted with flair,

But beneath all the glitter, she schemed with great care.

She dreamed of a kingdom, of fortune and fame,

And plotted for power through marriage and name.

She promised young Fiona a love story sweet,

A prince in her grasp and a life most elite.

Her son, Prince Charming, was meant for the role,

To wed the princess and meet her heart’s goal.

Yet fate was disrupted by Shrek’s bold embrace,

A twist in the tale that she couldn’t replace.

In Far Far Away she put plans into play,

Convincing the King it must go her way.

Shrek drank a potion to change what was true,

To make him a man, and his love start anew.

But Fiona’s heart stayed, unshaken, unbent,

No spell could undo where her true love was meant.

At the ball she struck hard, with her wand shining bright,

Casting her magic with all of her might.

But courage stood tall, and the lies came undone,

For love proved much stronger than schemes ever spun.

Her magic backfired, her plans turned to dust,

Her kingdom of wishes had shattered with lust.

And so she was gone, though her legend lived on,

Through her son's plots, in whispers till dawn.

A caution to dreamers who reach far too high,

That power and pride are just castles of sky.

For Fairy Godmother, though clever and grand,

Could never outmatch love’s most magical stand.

Rumpelstiltskin

“I wish that ogre was never born!”

Once upon a time, with a contract in hand,

Lived Rumplestiltskin, sly across the land.

A dealer in bargains, with tricks up his sleeve,

He’d promise you wonders, then laugh as you grieve.

For every small favor, a price would be due,

And all that he wanted was power to accrue.

In stories before, he had schemes that all failed,

When Fiona was rescued, his wishes derailed.

A crown he had plotted, a throne he had sought,

But fate and the princess left him with naught.

So bitter he waited, his anger kept near,

Till chance brought a moment to make his reign clear.

When Shrek was down, his trick was most sly,

He offered up bargains too tempting to deny.

He tricked the green ogre with papers to sign,

Erasing his life with a clause most malign.

Shrek’s past was undone, the world rearranged,

And Rumple at last had the crown he’d long craved.

Yet freedom was fragile, and truth would unfold,

For Shrek and the rest proved far braver than gold.

They broke through his magic, his contracts, his snare,

And Rumplestiltskin’s kingdom dissolved into air.

Though cunning and crafty, his victory was brief,

For lies and deception bring only grief.

So heed well his tale, of parchment and quill,

Of promises broken, and wishes turned ill.

For Rumplestiltskin, with schemes far and wide,

Could never find joy, though so often he tried.

His kingdom of paper was doomed from the start,

Outmatched by true love and a brave ogre’s heart.

Jack Horner

“I pronounce this batch... Delicious.”

Once upon a time, in a world full of bad,

Lived Big Jack Horner, the greediest in the land.

A boy with a nursery rhyme, simple and sweet,

But he grew into cruelty, bitter deceit.

No kindness nor sharing, just hunger for more,

He hoarded all magic, all treasures in store.

From childhood to manhood, his heart never grew,

He cared not for others, nor friendship, nor truth.

With factories of pies and a fortune of gold,

He gathered up relics, both ancient and old.

Yet still he was empty, his soul full of spite,

For power was all that could bring him delight.

When whispers of wishing stars lit up the skies,

Jack hatched a grand plan with greed in his eyes.

He wanted the star, to have it complete,

A single great wish that would make him elite.

With gadgets and henchmen, his plan was in place,

He chased after Puss in Boots, a dangerous race.

But heroes stood firm, with a heart that was pure,

For Jack’s selfish schemes could not long endure.

Though mighty his weapons, his magic, his might,

He faltered when facing true courage and right.

The wishing star crumbled, his empire undone,

A fate he had written, a prize never won.

So learn from Jack Horner, who reached far too high,

With pockets of magic and no reason why.

A villain of greed with a nursery name,

Whose hunger for power brought nothing but shame.

For wishes and wealth mean nothing at all,

When selfish ambition ensures that you fall.

Skill and Experience

Lord Farquaad

While Farquaad may have been ruling Duloc for a somewhat short period of time, he still learned a thing or two about how to make people do what he wants. Because of his abundance of knights and having strong support, he has used intimidation and threats to ensure that no magical creature can say no to his dangerous requests or even doubt his status. Of course Farquaad can't do much on his own, he knows how to use his resources well, using his knights to save Fiona and sending as much as he needs to in order to reach his goal without having to do anything himself.

He's good at coming up with plans or adapting to the situation as well, like when Shrek beat all of his knights and he decided to use Shrek for the quest, promising him his swamp back. It's also been stated that Farquaad was able to slay one thousand people in a war, how did he do it? We don't really know, probably because of his knights. And even after death, Farquaad was able to become a ghost and attempt to defeat Shrek, making plans to conquer the land even while he's just a spirit..

Fairy Godmother

The Fairy Godmother has been manipulating and pulling strings for many many years, tricking the king into a desperate position for a long time after she possibly cursed his daughter Fiona. It helps that she has a lot of magical knowledge and knows how to create hundreds and hundreds of potions, having a ton of resources for these potions. She's great at manipulating others while they're filled with desperation, like attempting to trick King Harold, saying that making Fiona marry her son Charming would be the only way to save his kingdom. Even threatening to take away his happily ever after if he doesn't follow her plan, so he would be forced to do what she wants despite his opposition.

She can also come up with great plans, seeing that one of her potions is connected to Shrek's wanting to make Fiona happy, so she made Fiona believe that Charming was Shrek, and gaslighting Shrek into believing that Fiona would be happier without him in her life. Her entire long term plan was made so she could eventually become the queen of Far Far Away, so she's great at manipulating and plan-making. Experience wise, Fairy Godmother has been manipulating the king since he was a young adult and ever since then has been on a lifelong goal to become queen of Far Far Away, so over 60 years worth of magic experience and planning…

Rumpelstiltskin

Rumpelstiltskin is the master of tricks, the master of deals, using his contracts to trick people into giving him the power he desires. He tricked the king and queen of Far Far Away into giving him their kingdom if he undid their daughters curse, but he tricked them and said he would make their problems disappear, making them disappear from existence so he could take the entire kingdom for himself. He's consistently a very good manipulator, he saw that Shrek was desperate to relive his past and used that to emotionally manipulate him into signing his contract that would have him give up a day when he was a baby to have a day where he relived his past.

Doing this just to trick Shrek into giving him the day he was born, that way he would affect the entire timeline and create an entire future where he would rule Far Far Away himself. He's also used his powerful contracts to trick the entire town into hunting down Shrek and turn him in. This guy loves using loopholes and scheming to give people false deals, Rumple is far smarter than he seems because of his deception, which helps since most people are very unassuming of him and don't believe he could be a threat. He's watched Shrek for 9 years and observed his life, preparing for his revenge. So much so he learned about the Fairy Godmother’s motives and how powerful she is, so he made a contract specifically for her so she would work for him.

Jack Horner

Ever since he was a child he has hated fairytale creatures, which is why Jack Horner spent most of his life collecting trinkets and artifacts in order to rid himself of fairytale creatures. He's spent a lotta time hunting down unicorn horns, getting potions and fairy wands, and even capturing mythological creatures such as the Phoenix. Jack Horner is the name many people fear, even people like Puss in Boots and other criminal outlaws say that stealing from him is a dangerous task. Having built a fearsome reputation as a crime lord, he commands a vast network of henchmen, including the notorious Baker's Dozen.

While he may not be a magical being himself, Jack is highly skilled at using a wide array of magical weapons and tools. He's extremely proficient with both his standard and magical weaponry, and he's intelligent, manipulative, and crafty, able to trick professional criminals and track others, such as Puss in Boots and kitty soft paws. Not to mention Jack's confidence in his own superiority often makes him brazen and unafraid of his opponents, he'll use his weapons as long as they fit the scenario he's in, making him very resourceful.

Arsenal

Lord Farquaad

Armored Stallion

Okay the armored horse is cool and all, but the armor legs to make him look taller is hilarious. Clearly he's just compensating for something..

Dagger

Or is it a small sword…I can't tell with his size..

Magic Mirror

Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the one who'll make sure Farquaad’s Kingdom won't fall? Farquaad stole the magic mirror and he uses it to help him in his plot, the mirror will answer any question Farquaad has and give him insight on certain individuals such as single princesses.

Butterfly Net

A mini game from Shrek Super Party where he has to collect bugs in the swamp using a net.

Paddle Boat

Another mini game that has Farquaad compete in a swamp race using a paddle boat, weird sight….

Fruit Launcher

Wow, does most of his arsenal come from a party game? Farquaad has a catapult that can launch fruit such as watermelon, pumpkin and onions.

Peashooter

A peashooter? And he rivals a plant in the same mini game? And shoot things down? Sounds…familiar…

Glider

A glider that allows Farquaad to, well, glide in the air…and he can shoot projectiles while flying.

Farquaad Mech

Once again compensating for something, Farquaad has a giant mecha version of himself that he could use for intimidation, although he can't go too far since his batteries would run out.

Fairy Godmother

Magic Wand

The wand Fairy godmother uses to grant her magical spells and enchantments, it allows her to use her magic on others. Her abilities with the wand will be talked about later..

Magic Carriage

A magic carriage that Godmother created in order to get to certain places far quicker than just flying.

Potions

Fairy Godmother being a potion maker has made hundreds and hundreds of potions, all she made herself and sells to others. While Shrek uses these potions, they were made by Fairy Godmother so she will have them too..

• Happily Ever After - This potion is Beauty Divine, once you take this potion; you and your true love will be fine.. literally. If you kiss your true love by midnight then you both will stay in your magnificent form of beauty. If not, then you'll revert back to normal.
• Purple Potion - this potion will replenish the Party's health by 50%
• Pink Potion - this potion will replenish the Party's health by 100%
• Blue Potion - Temporarily makes the whole party invulnerable to all enemies.
• Orange Potion - Temporarily increases the whole party's attack damage.
• Green Potion - Temporarily turns enemies into small frogs making them easier to kill.
• 40 winks sleeping gas - this concoction is able to temporarily put the opponent to sleep!
• Itsy Bitsy Dust - this dust is capable of temporarily shrinking your enemies!
• Invisibility Cream - Want your ugly presence to be hidden? Try this temporary cream that will hide you from the world! Thank God!
• Love's Sweetest Delight - this thing will automatically make someone fall in love with you temporarily…

Rumpelstiltskin

Contracts

Rumple is a deal maker, contracts are his main deal and he always uses them to easily persuade people or get an upper hand. These contracts are more than just papers that you sign, once they're signed, they will do whatever the contract says. The best thing about it is the fact Rumple can twist the contract and make it so it aids him, like when he tricked Shrek into giving up the day he was born so the timeline would play out differently, and tricking the king and queen into making themselves be erased from existence.

Water Bucket

The most devious and insane thing Rumple could ever have, a water bucket!! And he's going to get rid of Shrek's warm fireplace!!

Present Box

Oh my goodness the evil deeds continue! He was going to disguise himself as a present so he could cruelly get rid of Shrek's fireballs! It's brilliant!

Wooden Dolls

Just a bunch of wooden dolls that Rumple plays with, I mean you gotta respect that he likes to have fun…

Jack Horner

Wishing Star Map

The main artifact that Jack claimed and his most powerful, this was stolen for him and it's the one item that's probably the most important to him. In the realm of the wishing star, the entire land will shift depending on who's holding the map. The entire landscape will shift into whatever matches your character, whether it's endless lava, swamps, or forests of nostalgia….or a completely peaceful land.

Umbrella and Nanny Bag

Referencing Marry Poppins, he has an umbrella that makes you fly. But most importantly he has a bottomless Nanny Bag that's infinite in space, and can fit anything inside it! And if you really want, you can even trap people inside of it!

The Midas Touch

Originally part of king midas himself, anymore who touches this will be instantly turned into gold.

Poseidon's Trident

A sharp throwing item that Jack uses to attack enemies with great aim. While it may seem like a normal Trident, Puss confirms that the trident once belonged to Poseidon before being stolen by pirates. It can summon tidal waves when near bodies of water, control water temperatures, and shoot shockwaves!

Drink Me! Eat Me!

A small little drink and a small little cookie, inspired by Alice in Wonderland. If you drink one, you'll shrink, if you eat one, you'll grow big!

Magic Wand

A magic wand that resembles Fairy Godmother's, assumingly he stole it when she died. In his hands it has transmutation properties, and was able to transform a pumpkin into a large carriage and a bunch of horses.

Magic Orb

One of the many other artifacts that Jack Horner collected in his travels, similar to the crystal ball from Wizard of Oz. He uses it to see what Puss and Kitty are up to and to find their locations, which helped him find the wishing star.

Excalibur

The legendary Excalibur! He couldn't get the rock off of it but it looks cool right?

The Phoenix

Ah it's the noble Phoenix, the symbol of rebirth and, oh…well yeah she's also a cool flamethrower…

Unicorn Horns

Not just any normal unicorn horns, BABY unicorn horns! Whoever gets shot by this will instantly explode into confetti.

Magic Staff

A very cool magical staff that Jack gained for himself, it can shoot magical beams at enemies!

Poison Apple Bombs

Inspired by the poison apples from Snow White, these sure pack a bite. He can throw these at enemies and they'll explode!

Hatchet

A weapon Jack uses when he wants to…bury the hatchet!!! Oh nevermind he got kicked..

Misc. Artifacts

Jack has carried many many many artifacts in his nannybag, so many that we had to just make a section based off the random shit he has. He has a dancing broomstick, the spindle which’ll make anyone who touches it fall asleep for eternity, the magic flying carpet, Captain Hook's hook, axes, hammers, maces, spears, a bunch of random potion bottles, and a wizard hat.

Abilities

Lord Farquaad

Ghost Abilities

After Farquaad was killed by Dragon, he would return to the mortal realm as a spirit, wanting his revenge on Shrek and kill Fiona so he could marry her and become king of the underworld. Becoming a ghost gave him very special abilities, he could possess objects such as statues and move them, and even bring life to objects such as a statue of Dragon and make it fight for him.

He can possess Pinocchio, of course being a wooden doll free of a vessel; but he could also possess living hosts such as the Pied Piper. It seems like effects of his possession can remain in the hosts even after defeat unless his soul is destroyed. If he needs to fight, he can also make a physical form that can shoot projectiles and flames and even teleport, although it does make him vulnerable to physical damage.

Swamp Kart Speedway

Ever since Lord Farquaad declared it the "Kingdom's Grand Dumping Ground" there has been more junk around than any swamp needs. That meant it was time for a little spring cleaning. Shrek gathered up what he could find and made himself a lean, mean ogre kart. But what good is a kart, without a race? So, Shrek has rounded up the fairy tale troops to compete in the craziest, most twisted roadster challenge ever. Word has it that the winner is in line for a big prize... the Dragon's loot!

As described above, Lord Farquaad has put his blacksmiths to work constructing his armored kart contraption. Made from the parts and pieces of his knight's armor, this mighty kart is full of surprises. So far, no one has laid eyes on the secrets of this black armored kart. Lord Farquaad's kart can grow armor completely around the cockpit, making him unstoppable to unruly subjects. The game has many power ups such as..

• The Glass Shoe - Three pumpkins will circle around the car. Each of these can be fired as a dumb fire missile at opponents in front of you.
• Thumbs off - All players but you are shrunk to a tiny version of themselves, which slows things down considerably.
• The Red Cloak - No wolf will get in your way now! This protects you from all danger for 3 seconds. A large red hood will appear over your head and a cape will flutter behind.
• The Turtle and the Rabbit - Slow and steady wins the race... yeah, right! If you are the character who activates this Power-Up, you will speed ahead.
• The Poison Apple (Bad Power-Up) - Take a bite and you'll be snoozing for 3 long seconds. Watch out for that tree... oh, too late! You cannot control your kart while asleep.
• The Pumpkin (Bad Power-Up) - Catch a pumpkin and one will land on you, making it very difficult to drive. Your left and right steering controls are reversed for a brief period.
• Horseshoes - Collecting horseshoes will increase your "luck." This applies to which Power-Ups you will receive when you strike a fairy tale book.

Power-Ups

In Shrek Fairy Tale Freakdown, Farquaad and other characters can utilize power-ups that they collect during their journeys, they all last around 5 seconds long..

• Invincibility - protects you from being damaged.
• Speed - Allows you to make more attacks in the same time
• Ogre Strength - Doubles the damage of all your attacks

Fairy Godmother

Bubble Creation

Fairy Godmother can basically create a bunch of bubbles and use them for transportation, but yeah they're just normal bubbles.

Levitation

Not only could she already fly in the air, she could also move objects and make them levitate.

Summoning

Fairy Godmother can practically summon anything she wants to fulfill the wishes of others, such as summoning a bunch of gold coins. She could also summon a bunch of support and allies whenever she wants.

Creation

Of course she can summon stuff, but the Fairy Godmother can also give life to a bunch of random objects around her, and as you can see she could allow them to commit actions.

Teleportation

I mean nothing much else to explain, she can use her magic to teleport herself to wherever.

Transmutation

Of course with her potions being able to transmute people, she can do it with her own magic, like being able to turn Pinocchio into a real boy and back into a doll. She can turn people into chickens with magic blasts, and she can also turn people into bubbles, which is like one step away from full-on existence erasure.

Forcefield Creation

Fairy Godmother can create magical forcefields in order to protect herself from projectile attacks.

Energy Projection

With her powerful magic wand, she could shoot magical blasts that are capable of destroying entire crates and make objects fall. Not only does she have magic blasts, she can also shoot fireballs.

Electricity Manipulation

When did she become a fucking soulsborne boss? She can create large lightning blasts and AOE waves, they're very powerful and effective..

Rumpelstiltskin

Awareness

A pretty weird ability that Rumple just seemingly has? Rumple throughout the game is aware of events that are going on when he's not even there and would have no way of knowing, and he full-on knows what'll happen next and is even aware of the mess-ups Shrek goes through. For example, Shrek finally kissed Fiona but realized the kiss wasn't working, we then see Rumple in his room saying that it obviously didn't work because Fiona had to be in love with him. Rumple obviously had no way to know that Shrek was currently going through this yet he was just aware of it.

Jack Horner

Giant Form

After eating the “Eat Me!" Cookie, it made him grow into the size of a titan! Of course becoming much more powerful and stronger than before, overpowering enemies like Puss in Boots and the 3 Bears crime family.

Support

Lord Farquaad

Thelonious

Farquaad’s right hand man, muscle, and most trusted ally. While he may be an idiot, he can surely get the job done with pure muscle.

Vesuvius

A very big-build man that Farquaad hired to defeat Shrek once and for all! He's very strong and was able to physically match Shrek in combat.

Royal Knights

Farquaad has many knights at his disposal, which he can summon in order to fight for him. These knights have cages and prison carriages, long axes, long swords, spears, battle axes, and crossbows. They come in large numbers, and are able to overpower and hold back Shrek.

Wooden Dolls

Little wooden dolls that Ghost Farquaad brought to life, these can throw boxes and attack enemies

Werewolves

Werewolves that Lord Farquaad hired in order to kidnap the pigs, they're strong and fierce.

Stone Dragon

A stone dragon that Farquaad brought to life, and while yes it can fly as seen above, it can also shoot fireballs made up of rock and magma.

Fairy Godmother

Prince Charming

The son and beloved nepo baby of Fairy Godmother, he has the desire to become King of Far Far Away, and he has the arsenal he needs to attempt to do so. He has Knight armor, a sharp dagger, and a knight sword to slay his enemies.

Charming also has a lot of abilities and arsenal from Shrek Super Slam, his main slam attack using mighty slash blasts with his sword.

Weapons

• Giant Ham - You're probably asking, why a giant ham? I can't answer that question
• Fart Wand - with this wand anyone can harness the Green Storm attack.
• Floating Air Mines - Wanna be Robin Hood? You can be better with these rocket arrows.
• Hammer of Smiting - a giant silver hammer made for smiting your opponents!
• Pot O’ Gold Grenades - a dope pot full of coins, but when thrown it'll create a massive explosion
• Fireball Wand - this wand is capable of launching a big explosive fireball
• Gravity Wand - you can fling opponents into walls with this thing!
• Ice Wand - Ice to meet you, well not really since this wand will automatically freeze you.
• Beehive - when this hive is thrown, make sure to not let the bees attack you.
• Magnet - with this wand you can now pull opponents in for a tussle.
• Pirate Cannon - cannonballs. Ricochet cannonballs….
• Fairy Bazooka - not all fairies are nice, launch these fairies and they'll track you down for attack.

Potions

• Rocket Sauce - this sauce can increase attack and movement speed.
• Max Slam Juice - When drunk, this drink enables your slam attack.
• Invisibility Potion - you disappear for a limited amount of time!
• Invulnerability Potion - you cannot take damage for a limited amount of time!
• Mystery Mix - maybe you'll get a good potion, maybe you won't

Magical Items

• Viking Horned Helmet - this helmet will turn every hit into a slam.
• Dragon Mask - this mask will make you breathe fire like a dragon!
• Kings Crown - people will be too busy cheering for the king while this crown is on.
• Magic Mirror Mask - this mask will deflect all missiles!
• Pill Bug Ball - transform into a ball and ROLLLL
• Dragon Sword - with this sword you can harness the might of a dragon and launch a fiery attack!

Furniture Friends

As she's given life to random furniture, they come in large amounts and are of course, very handy if she needs stronger forces.

Bodyguards

Of course being a magical celebrity means you have to have bodyguards, and these two are certainly intimidating enough for the job.

Factory Workers

Fairy Godmother's potion factory requires many workers who know their way around magic potions and chemicals. All of these workers not only fight against intruders, they can throw bottled potions in combat scenarios.

Worker Elves

Fairy Godmother has dozens of elf workers in her factory in order to battle intruders, they all have crossbows to combat enemies.

Pumpkins

Dozens of pumpkins the Fairy Godmother brought to life so they could fight Shrek across the forest..

Knights

Sometimes you need security for your property, Fairy Godmother has knights that protect her factory and defend against enemies.

Stone Warriors

Fairy Godmother loves bringing things to life and controlling inanimate objects, she made and controlled dozens of large and powerful stone warriors used for brute force!

Trolls

The cousins to Ogre’s, Godmother can summon large powerful trolls with large maces and bombs.

Tree Monsters

Fairy Godmother can summon and control a bunch of killer trees that will attack enemies, they're large and they're rooted with anger.

Rumpelstiltskin

Fifi

Rumple’s personal goose companion that he's had for many years, she's almost like a monstrous bird with sharp teeth, and whenever she eats food her size only doubles. By the end of the movie, she had grown to be a very big bird.

Witches

Rumple has gathered a lot of Witch forces, and I mean a LOT of Witch forces, at least over 100 witches in his entire kingdom. All of these witches have the same weapons in their arsenal, such as a flying broomstick that flies through the sky very quickly, apple smoke bombs that can engulf enemies in smoke, skull chains that can grab people and forcefully drag them, and have pumpkin bombs that can instantly knock out people like Shrek out for hours. All of these witches have the ability to create dozens of Pumpkin enemies across far far away that will attack anyone and anything they come across.

The Pied Piper

The Pied Piper, the master of the flute and summoner of mice. You see in the original Shrek reality, the Piper was but a normal mice charmer who lived on the streets and used his flute to summon mice his way. But this here is not the same piper, you see in this alternate reality The Piper became a bounty hunter and learned how to use his flute skills to take down enemies. You see his flute has multiple settings on it, and whatever setting he switches to he just has to harmonize a melody and it'll cause the species to dance instantaneously. He can even shoot complete-sound projectiles that are capable of damaging enemies, and sound notes that can mind control those into doing whatever he wants like mice, he can shoot these sound notes in Undertale bullet-hell style.

Now his Broadway force will basically affect anyone who hears the harmony, even if you're far away in the forest, as long as you can somewhat hear the song, it will force you to do what the piper instructs. The Piper has many settings on his flute, there's rats, Ogre's, witches, ducks, unicorns, dwarfs, wooden creatures such as Pinocchio, fire, and….socks. He can also use other instruments and gain different effects based on the instrument, like removing the mouths of individuals, transmuting people into creatures such as ogres, manipulating their mind and inducing them, and trapping them in balls.

Pumpkins

A bunch of Pumpkin enemies that the witches summon a lot throughout the land, similarly to creepers, they will explode and cause large amounts of damage to enemies. They can constantly be summoned and grown from the ground, so make sure you get rid of them quickly!

Human enemies

A bunch of human enemies that the witches hired to kill Shrek, they're of course all over Far Far Away as almost everyone basically serves under Rumple. While most usually have pitchforks, torches, spears and even a ton of arrows.

Far Far Away Knights

Piper summoned entire hoards of knights to battle Shrek for Rumple, although Rumple has dozens of knights throughout the kingdom anyways. These knights have swords, tough armor, shields, and large maces that can slam against enemies.

Dragon

Yes, Rumple has the actual Dragon that married Donkey and befriended Shrek. This is a far more ferocious and less domesticated version of Dragon, having her chained up and using her in order to kill enemies such as Shrek and Fiona. She can fly through the sky at very quick speeds, and she can breathe fire capable of burning through almost anything she comes across.

Jack Horner

Ethical Bug

At first Jack thought he was a super powerful locust or killer bug, but it turns out it was a cricket who claimed to be his “consciousness". Wanting to help him know right from wrong, however Jack only knows wrong…

The Baker's Dozen

As the name suggests, this is a dozen of Baker's that work for Jack and help him on his quest for the wishing star! They have a bunch of weapons, like axes, butcher knives, large mixers, hammers, and spinning saws!

Factory Workers

A bunch of people in the factory who work for Jack and will fight for him, from an outside POV we see there's a couple dozen of these guys, and they all have cool swords!

Factory Guards

A bunch of guards outside of the factory that chased after Puss and Kitty after they stole from Jack. They ride on horses and shoot with fire arrows, why doesn't Jack use them more…

Resistances

Lord Farquaad

• Flame/Heat Manipulation - can resist the heat and flames of brimstone bridge attempting to burn him

Fairy Godmother

• Flame/Heat Manipulation - can resist her own magic fireball that was deflected back at her

Rumpelstiltskin

• None notable

Jack Horner

• Empathetic Manipulation/Mind Control - Resists the cuteness stare, which incapacitates enemies with cuteness and puts them in a trance

Actions

Lord Farquaad

Overall

• Was able to force all of the Fairytale Creatures into leaving their homes
• Made Shrek go on a quest to save the princess and defeat the dragon
• Almost successfully married Princess Fiona before Shrek interrupted
• Despite dying, was able to come back from death as a spirit to get revenge

Strength

• Energy projectiles can harm Fiona
• His army of knights are able to collectively overpower and hold back Shrek
• Stone dragons fireballs are able to match the firepower of Dragon
• Vesuvius was able to match and overpower Shrek and crush through thick gingerbread walls
• His Mech is able to overpower Shrek in the grasp of its hands

Speed

• Can catch up to the running speed of Shrek, Donkey, and Fiona
  • While also evading and attempting to dodge Dragon's fireballs
• Stone Dragon's flight speed is able to match the physical flight speed of Dragon.

Durability

• Survives being eaten by Dragon as seen above (later killed by stomach acids tho..)
• Can survive multiple punches by Shrek
• A bunch of his knights survive a beating by Shrek and Donkey fighting all of them
• Thelonious can survive and resist multiple punches and hits from Fiona

Fairy Godmother

Overall

• Tricked King Harold into almost making her son the King of the kingdom
• Was able to make herself a beloved magical figure of Far Far Away
• Made Shrek believe that he wasn't Fiona’s true love, so he would give up on her
• Almost successfully made herself the queen of Far Far Away

Strength

• Her magic projectiles are able to damage Shrek's health quickly
• Her magic projectiles can easily destroy multiple large crates
  • Same magic projectiles can destroy multiple crates and make large objects fall at once
• Charming could easily kill two men in thick suits with his sword

Speed

• Fairy Godmother was able to continuously maneuver through Shrek and his friends
• Fairy Godmother reacted to her own magic beam right before it hit her

Durability

• Can resist her own magic fireballs that are deflected back at her
• Her factory workers are able to survive slashes and hits from Puss in Boots
• Resists being attacked by apples via Little Red Riding Hood, who's here for some reason..

Rumpelstiltskin

Overall

• Was able to trick the King and Queen into giving away their kingdom to him
• Tricked Shrek into giving up the day he was born, rewriting the timeline
• Made an entirely new universe where he was the ruler of Far Far Away
• Enslaved the Ogres and made everyone fall under his control

Strength

• Once got so mad that he accidentally cut a plate in half with a knife
• His witches have pumpkin bombs that are strong enough to instantly knock Shrek out for hours
• His witches also are able to hold Shrek back despite him being enraged and wanting to kill Rumple
• Has dragon who was able to burn a hole in an entire mountain

Speed

• Almost outrun a large Ogre that was attempting to smash him
• Witches while flying on their brooms are able to maneuver around and react to Shrek who's also riding on a broom.
• The Witch brooms can travel from Rumple’s castle to the forest in a short amount of time
• Rumple has dragon, who can quickly fly to Far Far Away

Durability

• Was able to survive getting hit by a large asteroid that bounced off Shrek and created a large crater in the ground
• His witches accidentally run into the giant crystal ball while riding on their brooms
• Witches survive being thrown by one of the bigger Ogres that are considered to be much more powerful than Shrek.

Jack Horner

Overall

• Has no real accomplishments!

Strength

• Using Excalibur, Jack was able to overpower Goldi and the 3 Bears, hitting them off course
• Jack's magic staff was able to send Baby Bear flying back, almost killing him
• In his giant kaiju form, he generally becomes the strongest person present and overpowers Puss in Boots, Kitty Softpaws and the 3 Bears.
• Was able to shake the Nannybag which is stated to be bottomless while he's inside it (High Uni) wait what the fuck.

Speed

• Despite not focusing on his surroundings, was able to react to and dodge an incoming sharp projectile
• Was able to instantly react to a swinging axe that almost hit him
• Is able to react to enemies in combat, like the 3 Bears attempting to attack him
• His Baker's Dozen are able to battle and maneuver through Puss and Kitty

Durability

• Was a victim of the “Spanish splinter", where Puss and Kitty use their swords to pierce his fingernails….ouch.
• Resists his own poison apple bomb being thrown back at his face
• Was shoved by one of the 3 Bears, who are casually able to break down walls.
• His Baker's Dozen survives attacks from Kitty Softpaws (more like manhandling..)

Weaknesses

Lord Farquaad

Farquaad’s obvious weakness is his size, he can't really fight much on his own, he usually must rely on his knights or Thelonious in order to actually do things for him. Even with his men, he's extremely vulnerable if he's left open, as seen as above when Dragon just freely ate him. Farquaad is also very arrogant, which leads him to not listen to important issues that could ruin him, or lead to his inevitable demise. And as for his ghost form, not only can he not really physically interact with anything, his biggest weakness is that if Farquaad sees that he can't do anything to win then he could just choose to give up his goals.

Fairy Godmother

Despite all of her amazing magical powers, if her wand is taken out or removed from her, it could leave her far more vulnerable. While she could continue flying, she won't be able to use any magical spells or enchantments, she'd have to attempt to get the wand back if anyone else takes it away from her. And her biggest weaknesses are her underestimation of her enemies, which make it so she wouldn't expect any possible counters to her plan and leave her vulnerable, not to mention the fact she doesn't always use her magic abilities when she needs to, saving it for last.

Rumpelstiltskin

Despite his amazing resources and the great things he has access to, Rumple has a very very very very obvious weakness…he's not physically imposing at the slightest. He's arguably the physically weakest Shrek villain, he's so pathetic that even very low tiers such as Pinocchio are able to get the physical upper-hand on him. He relies a lot on his witches and other resources, without them he's very vulnerable and cannot fight for himself…also his witches can instantly evaporate when exposed to water.

Jack Horner

Jack may be an “irredeemable monster" that gives no care for anyone close to him, but that may be his greatest weakness. He is so self-assured in his own superiority that he is easily distracted and outsmarted by his opponents, and he's a crude and unsubtle wielder of the vast power he collects, he doesn't always use his weapons correctly but instead for intimidation. Generally his absolute ego makes him underestimate his opponents, revels in their pain, and accidentally gives his enemies an opening to outmaneuver him.

Before the verdict

Farquaads Ghost

This section is just to clear up a lot of things about Farquaad's ghost, such as his immortality, how he can be killed, and the possible implications of his possession abilities. First, his immortality, now as y'all know, after Farquaad dies he'll come back as a spirit. The time frame? It's an estimated couple of days - weeks, but for the sake of debate we’ll say it's instantaneous since we don't know the exact time he comes back regardless. However what you may not know is that Farquaad has many other ways to come back from death. For example, when Fiona defeated Farquaad's spiritual form, it was said that it didn't permanently kill the ghost Lord, in fact Farquaad would return some day in the future. That's right, Farquaad can come back from having his spirit being destroyed, however as you can see it does take a while for him to actually come back. This is surprisingly consistent actually, after his soul was destroyed by dragon's fire, he was able to come back from death, but it took a bit to come back to life..

Speaking of which, of course the thing that originally killed him is the thing he fears most. Farquaad is absolutely terrified of Dragon, and for very good reason. His original ghostly demise came from Dragon burning his spirit and destroying it, incapacitating him for a prolonged amount of time. So this means Dragon has soul destruction right? Well, no, let me explain. You see, a Dragon's fire in the Shrek franchise is considered as normal as your household fire, a fire that you would light in a fireplace. Shrek's stink can already affect normal fire, burping on its own can spread fire out, in comparison Shrek's farts have repelled Dragon's own fire..this is such a weird argument. TLDR; in the world of Shrek dragon fire is no different from your everyday fire, this suggests that Farquaad’s soul isn't weak to specifically dragon fire, but fire in general. Dragon fire doesn't have special properties to separate itself from normal fire, therefore it's an established weakness for Farquaad's spirit..

Lastly, as I have mentioned, Ghost Farquaad has the ability to possess those he wishes, such as Pinocchio and the Pied Piper. What makes the Pied Piper so important? Well we seemingly have a villain that has the ol’ Piper as a part of his army. Now would Farquaad really possess the Piper out of anyone else in the battlefield? Well that's debatable on its own but will be covered in the verdict. But another important question, if Farquaad possessed the Pied Piper, would he be able to use his powerful abilities in the battlefield? Well, Farquaad could use some, but not all of them. As you know, Rumple's Pied Piper originates from an alternative universe where the Piper became a bounty hunter and used his skills offensively. The Pied Piper that Farquaad controlled was nothing but a mouse charmer who controlled mice and created music notes to damage enemies, helpful, but not as helpful as the original. Rumple's Pied Piper has many more abilities, add-ons, and is a lot more complicated to use than the Piper Farquaad possessed. In the end, he just wouldn't make good use of the Piper..

Where is Charming’s army?

So Prince Charming is part of Fairy Godmother's army of course, being her favorite son and all. But what about his army? As y'all know Charming has an army filled with Fairytale Villains in the 3rd movie, so shouldn't he get them? First of all, Shrek the Third doesn't exist…it's not real…it never existed…no no no Justin Timberlake was never in a Shrek movie…shush. And secondly, well the simple answer is that they turned on him when they got the chance and stopped working for him altogether. Not only were they easily convinced to go against him they generally shouldn't be a part of Charming's arsenal. If anything they would be a detriment to the Fairy Godmother's army as once again, they stopped working for him when they got the chance, and there are many superior manipulators here…

Does Rumple have the Fairy Godmother?

In the Shrek the Third game, Rumple hires bounty hunters and power hungry individuals to deal with Shrek when he is unable to. One of these individuals that Rumple hires is The Fairy Godmother, who works for him and chases Shrek throughout the Dragon keep for him. It seems obvious that Rumple hired her, she worked for him, and she didn't betray or switch sides against him. Now in a normal matchup/debate, yes using Fairy Godmother as a part of his support would be fine since she's as standard as the Pied Piper is. However, for this blog, just to keep things fair and keep things at least consistent, Rumple won't be given the Fairy Godmother for obvious reasons. But once again yes, in a matchup other than this Rumple having Fairy Godmother would be fair game…

Jack's Uni Feat

So Jack Horner accidentally gets trapped inside his bottomless Nanny Bag, yet later in the movie after Puss in Boots prolongs Death from claiming him, Jack Horner was able to escape from the Nanny Bag by becoming so big he was just…able to physically escape it. Yeah we physically see Jack shaking the nanny bag and leaving it, which was very clearly done physically, he does this…while in an infinite bottomless bag. He literally shakes an infinite space and becomes big enough to escape it. This kind of feat would get around High Universal from physical scaling, it's a really funny feat nonetheless. So what's the counter against it? Well, there's none really, mostly that it's a very very big outlier to where the verse should usually get. Also Jack shaking an infinite space wasn't the intent of a gag scene that's not supposed to make sense, but in general it's a really funny feat to take in..

Verdict

Now a matchup like this needs some certain rules, generally a scenario to go off of to make things fun. The scenario of this fight is that it's a race to the wishing star! Jack finally got the map to the wishing star and is headed on his way to wish for all magic in the world, but the other villains found this out and want the wish for themselves. Lord Farquaad wants to become a true king of Duloc and marry Princess Fiona, Fairy Godmother wants to become the queen of Far Far Away, and Rumple wants to erase Shrek from existence and rule Far Far Away. This fight will take place in the realm of the wishing star, whoever comes out on top, makes it to the wishing star and makes their wish will be the victor of this blog! May the best villain win!

4th Place

….goes to Lord Farquaad. His ghost abilities may be very powerful, and his side content may give him some extra Power-Ups and abilities, but it unfortunately won't help him enough to defeat the other villains, we'll explain why….

Farquaad vs Fairy Godmother

Now Farquaad does have a very funny and interesting counter to Fairy Godmother, and that's via his armor and his knights, which could deflect Fairy Godmother's magic from her wand, and if they deflect then she'll be defeated in the same way as before. That however is the only win condition that Lord Farquaad has, the only way to counter all of the abilities Fairy Godmother has. Fairy Godmother isn't an idiot of course, if she sees an army full of knights she isn't going to resort to attacks that could be reflected back at her. In terms of base abilities, Fairy Godmother clears Lord Farquaad. Now both have shrinking abilities but Farquaad’s are far more circumstantial while Fairy Godmother just has to throw potions towards her enemies. Farquaad can give himself good luck, but it's not really combat applicable as you'd assume. Both can double their strength and access invincibility, but Farquaads only lasts around 5 seconds long, which won't be enough to block off everything. Not to mention Fairy Godmother has many ways to replenish her health from 50 - 100%. Fairy can incapacitate base Farquaad in many ways, via forms of transmutation, putting him to sleep, or mind controlling him via Love potions.

Ghost Farquaad does make things more interesting. Both can teleport, shoot energy projectiles and fly around the battlefield, and can bring life to objects. Ghost Farquaad has the advantage of being normally intangible and being able to possess people, although he can only possess one person at a time. However, If Farquaad actually wants to fight Fairy Godmother in a 1v1, he has to resort to using his physical form, which leaves him vulnerable to physical damage, incapacitating his spirit. As shown, his spirit is also vulnerable to fire, and thankfully, Fairy Godmother can shoot flames from her wand. In terms of armies, Farquaad has Thelonious, Vesuvius, a bunch of knights, dolls, werewolves, and the Stone Dragon. Fairy Godmother has Prince Charming who has the Super Slam items, a bunch of living furniture, dozens of factory workers with her potions, elves with crossbows, pumpkin enemies, knights, giant stone warriors, trolls, and tree monsters. Obviously Fairy Godmother has the bigger army, more versatile forces, and larger support. That mixed with Fairy Godmother being able to summon more enemies, being able to control Stone dragon and his puppets, Charming has multiple ways of projecting fire (even replicating a dragon), being able to levitate enemies, and having a crown that forces people to cheer for you; just means Farquaad’s army gets quickly taken down, his base form gets incapacitated, and his ghost form gets destroyed by flame or physical damage.

Farquaad vs Rumple

Now credit to Farquaad, even in base he's obviously much more versatile than Rumple, who barely has a legit arsenal and is by far the weakest of the entire battle royale. Luckily for Rumple he never gets involved in the fight, he is always protected by his witches and other forces, which he has a lot of. Rumple has over 100 witches that soar in the sky at top speeds, blitzing anything Farquaad’s army could throw, and their bombs physically upscale Farquaad and his entire army. That alone would be enough to incapacitate Farquaad and his army, and the fact they can all create more explosive Pumpkin forces only helps with the advantage they have. Rumple also has his own knights to counter Farquaad’s, the Piper can control all of his puppets or use his music notes to control his forces, or transmute all of them with unavoidable musical instruments. Pied Piper can also control dwarves, Lord Farquaad IS a dwarf….

Now as for the ghost form, as mentioned before, even if Farquaad possessed Piper, he couldn't really do much with him as he could before. And Piper does have defenses as he could control fire and protect himself with music notes, and luckily for him, he has NPI sound projectiles which could possibly harm the ghost form, and these music notes are incredibly ranged and spammable in combat. There's also just wayyy too many forces in Rumples army for singular possession to actually matter and do much in the fight, and he needs to actually resort to physical combat which will only leave him vulnerable to incapacitation, and his invincibility won't last enough to help. Stone Dragon, while very useful, gets countered by Normal Dragon who would either tie them, or Dragon's flames at full power would just burn through Stone Dragon as it did with a mountain. Also Farquaad's experience with Dragon would only make him run away, and she could just burn his soul again like before.

Farquaad vs Jack Horner

Farquaad obviously has the bigger army here, and more variety generally, however it only delays his loss further. The Unicorn horns are sharp enough to piece the entire army Farquaad has, and Farquaad himself, which would just turn them all into confetti. The Baker's Dozen, his workers and his guards can match the werewolves, have more versatility than the knights, and just have a large advantage over the wooden dolls. While Stone Dragon is a major problem, Jack can match in power via his giant form or use the midas touch to incapacitate it (which would work on Farquaad and his army too. Jack physically is far more powerful than Base Farquaad alone and would absolutely blitz using in-universe scaling.

Jack can seal him inside the nanny bag, and invincibility doesn't last long enough to completely negate the Unicorn horns. Jack has far more (and far better compared to a fruit Launcher and peashooter) ranged options via the Trident, magical staff apple bombs, has transmutation via magic wand, can use the crystal ball to keep an eye on Farquaad, and has far more CQC items via axes, hammers, maces, spears and even Excalibur; he could even use the spindle to put Farquaad to sleep for eternity. And as for the ghost form, Jack can just spam fire via the Phoenix, which has very good flame range and would just destroy his spirit, or he could overpower the spirit and destroy it if Farquaad ever actually attempts to actually fight back.

Conclusion

Now Farquaad isn't royally fucked, hehe, his ghost form allows him to survive much longer than he would without it, however having such an exposable weakness means everyone has a counter to it. His army not being versatile and getting easily wiped out, not being able to make up for the hax-stomp in base, not being able to prevent being incapacitated in base, having no real hax aside from Possession which everyone has a counter to, and just having too many counters to possible wincons. We didn't even mention the Farquaad mech as it has low battery power and won't help as much as it should. Unfortunately his biggest weakness is that he wouldn't realistically think that strategically, he's too ignorant and arrogant to truly take advantage of his abilities. Too vengeful to take a possible stealth advantage and hide out in the fight. And of course if all things fail, Farquaad would end up just giving up like before..

So with the ruler Duloc getting in last place and failing once again to become King once and for all, now it's time to decide who gets in 3rd place!

3rd Place

…Goes to Jack Horner. With such a vast and great arsenal, and a variety of abilities to use in battle, it may be surprising to see the craziest one here only get 3rd place. However, it isn't enough to help Big Jack Horner get the win.

Jack Horner vs Fairy Godmother

Jack does have some wincons against the powerful Fairy Godmother, both have one shot haxes that could incapacitate the other if they get the chance. Jack does have Fairy Godmother’s wand, so he'd probably know what Fairy Godmother is capable of, most likely targeting her first as she's the most powerful one there. The Unicorn horn would most definitely work on Fairy Godmother, however she does have her own personal counters to this. Her invincibility potions would be able to stop the unicorn horns from piercing her, so would the forcefields, and teleportation is a very useful ability that could be used by Fairy Godmother.

While Jack is arguably faster via upscaling Puss in Boots, Fairy Godmother has potions that can make herself faster in battle. Let's be honest, Jack’s backup is complete fodder, and he gets easily outnumbered the very versatile army Fairy Godmother has. Her army has her potions, she has many many many incapacitation methods compared to a more limited amount he has. The Fairy Godmother is also far smarter than Jack, who's far too arrogant for his own good. Jack may have a lot to work with but he doesn't always use his weapons correctly, unlike Godmother who can at least use her abilities such as levitation to just take his items and Arsenal away from him.

Jack Horner vs Rumple

To keep things short, Rumple’s army is farrrrr bigger than anything Jack could even handle. With over a hundred witches with smoke grenades, bombs that will instantly incapacitate him, countless explosive Pumpkin enemies they could summon, and a bunch of knights. The Pied Piper of course beats anything that's a part of Jack’s support or arsenal with his haxes, there's simply too many people for his incaps to truly matter here in a combat scenario. Jack does have one wincon however, that being the fact the Trident can summon entire waves of water, which can absolutely expose the Witches weakness and take out a bunch of them with ease. However the issue is that it's very circumstantial, Jack must be near a large body of water or even think about using the Trident in a strategic way, or know that the Witches are weak to water. Not to mention the fact the Witches are fast enough to evade a slow moving giant wave headed towards them.

Conclusion

While Jack had the perfect arsenal and large amount of incaps and could resist the Piper and the Crown via resisting the cuteness stare, unfortunately his arrogance and nature to improperly use his arsenal, causing him to get easily outsmarted by the far more experienced villains in the royale. While he has his wincons that give him an advantage, in the end they're only temporary wincons that'll just delay the inevitable loss. He gets overwhelmed by both Rumples and Fairy Godmother’s armies, overwhelmed by the hax of Godmother's side and the pure power advantage of Rumple's army. Big Jack definitely had the arsenal to keep up, but had little chance to come out on top.

Since we pronounce that Jack Horner gets third place, it's time we move onto the final round..to decide who is the greatest Shrek villain. It's time for Fairy Godmother vs Rumplestiltskin!

Final Placement

Experience/Skill

Fairy Godmother has many many years worth of experience in the scheming department, spending over 60 years learning magic, making potions, and manipulating King Harold into giving her the power she needs to take over Far Far Away. She manipulated all of Far Far Away into seeing her as a beloved figure, practically making herself a popular and important Celebrity. She's made hundreds and hundreds of potions throughout the years, and she has tricked desperate people into falling for her manipulation many many times, Shrek included. She had a very long term plan that she plotted for many decades, so many dedicated to one goal, to make the King marry and have a daughter that she would curse, so her son could rescue her and marry her, so her son would be the King of Far Far Away. Then plotting a take over using her son, so she would eventually become the Queen of Far Far Away, and get the happily ever after she oh-so craved.

Rumpelstiltskin is surprisingly pretty similar in his manipulation tactics and his plan as a whole. Rumple successfully tricked the King and Queen after he knew they were desperate to save their daughter, and he tricked Shrek into signing his contract after seeing he was desperately wanting to relive the glory days. He tricked Shrek into giving up the day he was born, changing the entire timeline as a whole, making it so the King and Queen HAD to make the deal with him, unknowingly erasing themselves from existence so Rumple was free to take the crown. Rumple took over all of Far Far Away, making everyone love him and follow his command, enslaving Ogres, tricking people into following him via his contracts. Loopholes are the things he loves to pull most, tricking people into following them so he could use them without consequence. He's very experienced too, he watched Shrek for 9 years just to find the perfect moment to strike, and spent another 9 years ruling Far Far Away and getting everyone to follow his rule.

Now obviously Fairy Godmother has more experience, almost 20 years worth of experience is nothing to over 60 years of experience. Fairy Godmother has many decades worth of manipulative tactics and magical knowledge. She's made hundreds of magic potions, learned many forms of magic, and embedded herself into Far Far Away, even influencing a takeover her son accomplished. However, Rumple definitely takes the tactical and manipulation advantage. He's the king of loopholes and trickery, he's made many many contracts and deals with people, and his manipulation affected Shrek much larger and much longer than Fairy Godmother’s own manipulation. Not to mention he actually took over Far Far Away and got everyone to follow his orders and demands, for 9 whole years. This is the same guy who erased an entire timeline by tricking someone into giving him the day they were born, and then erased the king and queen out of existence so he could take the kingdom. And the one thing that gives Rumple the advantage, is the fact he knows who the Fairy Godmother is, he knows what she wants, he knows what she's capable of doing…and despite her experience, he managed to trick her into joining him. Rumple's superior manipulation, greater tactics and accomplishments, and established knowledge on Fairy Godmother ultimately means he could do everything she could do but better. This category goes to RUMPLESTILTSKIN.

Arsenal/Abilities

Using her magic powers, Fairy Godmother can summon a magic carriage that allows her to fly to whatever location she needs to go to, her magic wand which allows her to use her magic in powerful ways, and has many useful potions. They consist of potions that heal you, make you invulnerable to all enemies, increase your damage, turn enemies into frogs, put enemies to sleep, shrink enemies, make you invisible, and make someone fall in love with you. As mentioned her wand allows her to use her magic, if she loses it she can be rendered powerless. With her magic, she could create bubbles, levitate herself and objects, summon her allies, give life to inanimate objects (mostly furniture), teleport, transmute enemies into chickens frogs or bubbles, create forcefields, shoot fire and magic projectiles, and create large lightning blasts.

Rumple has…a water bucket….a present box…and some dolls. He's uh..aware of current events without physically being there, so he would be aware of anything people are doing when he shouldn't know. Well he has his contracts that he could trick people into signing, having the ability to tweak them into whatever way he wants, so he could do things like erase people from existence. Now…yes this is a very powerful ability he could use if done right and at the perfect moment, but for the overall category, yeah it's obvious who has the absolute advantage over the other in almost every way. Fairy Godmother has a ton of abilities and haxes via her own magic and her magical potions. This category goes to FAIRY GODMOTHER.

Support/Armies

Now in terms of armies, these two definitely have the most support to work with, this is definitely the trickiest part of the main debate. Fairy Godmother has her son Prince Charming, who has Super Slam items, so he can fling opponents into walls, freeze enemies, pull enemies in, increase his strength and movement speed, become invisible, can't take damage for a limited amount of time, and temporarily use the crown so everyone around him cheers for his presence. She can summon living furniture that consist of drawers and beds and large mirrors, factory workers with potions in her potion-making factory, a bunch of elves with crossbows, enemy pumpkins that range from big and small, knights with shields and swords to attack enemies, large stone warriors, large trolls with slam attacks, and tree monsters!

Rumple has over 100 witches in his army, all of them have extremely powerful Pumpkin bombs with one shot capabilities, bombs that can engulf enemies in smoke, skull chains that that can grab and drag people including large Ogres stronger than Shrek, and they can all create many many Pumpkin enemies that are able to explode anyone they come across. Speaking of which they could constantly grow from the ground, he has human enemies that are all across the town and across Far Far Away who torches and pitchforks, and have a ton of arrows; Rumple also has a bunch of knights all over his castle that have swords, shields, and giant maces. Rumple has the Pied Piper who can instantly force entire groups of people to dance depending on his flute options, has NPI sound projectiles that harm enemies or control things in Undertale bullet-hell style. The range is entirely miles away, as long as you can hear his music he'll affect you, his music could remove mouths, transmute people, daze their minds, and seal them in balls. And finally he has Dragon, no elaboration needed really…

Now Fairy Godmother clearly has the most variation in her army, consisting of stone warriors, elves, trolls, trees, factory workers with potions, living furniture, knights, and pumpkins; Charming himself having lots of useful haxes via Super Slam. Fairy Godmother definitely has the more versatile army, however it doesn't defeat the sheer numbers and firepower Rumple's army has. Over 100 witches that can resist the projectiles via flight, being air fighters with a ton of range and one shot projectiles. The Witches also help with avoiding The Pipers haxes which would affect all of Fairy Godmother's army with range alone and incapacitate them all at once whether it's with his projectiles or unavoidable sound-based haxes. He also has human enemies that range across the kingdom, knights that range across his large castle, and explosive pumpkins that all of the witches can summon; the numbers are absolutely insane on Rumple’s side. That mixed in with Dragon's sheer power and scale, means Rumple has a major advantage. This category goes to RUMPLESTILTSKIN.

Scaling/Stats

Now this section is using in-universe scaling and stats that can be referenced, in order to compare who's canonically stronger or faster and all. Fairy Godmother's projectiles can damage Shrek over time, can destroy large crates, and can make shelves fall over. She reacts to her own wand attack before it hits her, can maneuver through Shrek’s allies trying to steal her wand, and can resist her own fireballs and projectile apples. Her son Charming could battle Shrek in the game super slam and easily kill a suited man with a sword, can summon enemies that deal damage to Shrek, and her factory workers can resist attacks from Puss in Boots himself.

Rumple is able to slightly outrun Ogres and survived being hit by a large asteroid that bounced off Shrek's head from space and created a large crater, weirdly having the best durability feat in the blog. His best feats definitely come from his army, his witches are able to hold back an enraged Shrek, attack Shrek while he's on a broom, travel at very quick speeds using their brooms which Shrek couldn't pilot as well meaning they’d have superior reactions, and they've survived being thrown and attacked by large Ogres that are considered much more powerful than Shrek himself. Most notably from the Witches, they have pumpkin bombs that could instantly one shot Shrek and knock him out for hours. Finally, Rumple has Dragon, who's constantly seen as more powerful than anyone else in the series, who could burn a hole through a mountain and can fly to Far Far Away in a short amount of time..

So using in-universe scaling, Fairy Godmother does have some rather impressive scaling, most of it consists of being able to harm Shrek and similar tiers to him overtime, bigger enemies being able to do more damage to him. Fairy Godmother herself can react to her own attacks and speed wise she can scale to Shrek's friends, charming himself being able to battle Shrek in videogame combat. However it ultimately gets outmatched, not only does Rumple unironically have the best durability feat in the entire blog, he has the strongest thing in the verse that basically upscales everything Fairy Godmother has in strength and speed. The Witches also upscale a lot, they upscale Shrek in speed, can overpower an enraged Shrek, can survive attacks from Ogres that are way stronger than Shrek; with Pumpkin bombs they can instantly knock out Shrek for hours, which is stronger than anything else listed and could probably incapacitate anyone who is hit by it. Due to the consistent upscaling of his army, this category goes to RUMPLESTILTSKIN.

Conclusion

While Fairy Godmother has the most versatility with her own abilities, arsenal, and army, and is definitely the most experienced villain, unfortunately she didn't have the perfect kit to beat the sneer numbers advantage Rumple had, his incaps, and his consistent overpowering. The constant air fighting tactic helped with the haxes Fairy Godmother had, and the fact they could just one shot and incapacitate everyone via the Pumpkin Bombs or Dragon, which aids the absolute numbers advantage. Also Pied Piper is just really really busted, and could affect her army entirely, which Rumple's awareness also really helps with so he'd know what to do as he's sent Piper on solo missions before. Fairy Godmother also doesn't necessarily spam her haxes as much as she could, and this is the only verdict where her haxes being more temporary spells would be detrimental to her. Rumple having the greater manipulation skills and generally being smarter is still helpful seeing as he's tricked Fairy Godmother before, and knows exactly what she wants. Meaning if all else fails, he could potentially just trick her into joining him as he's done before. All-in-all Rumple has many many things going for him to support having more advantages over Fairy Godmother.

Summary

Lord Farquaad

“Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice..I am willing to make..”

Advantages

• Ghost Form is the hardest to physically put down in battle
• Can potentially outlast via the Ghost Form hiding out the fight
• No one can counter his possession which can affect inanimate objects and living beings
• Stone Dragon could potentially match Rumple's dragon
• Knight Army could potentially counter Fairy Godmother's bubble blast
• Could potentially possess Pied Piper as he has experience with him
• Looks like Markiplier…
• Has the most amount of content

Disadvantages

• …But it can be countered by fire attacks, which everyone in the royale has.
• …But Farquaad has never done this, is far too vengeful and arrogant to be tactical with his ghost form.
• …Possession is his only hax/way to possibly incapacitate people, but he's still susceptible to everyone having incap methods in base.
• ..But Rumple's Dragon can burn through Stone Dragon.
• …But doesn't know how to use Pied Piper’s complex abilities, and wouldn't target him first.
• Has a small army that can get quickly taken out, leaving Farquaad vulnerable.
• Dude was a bum that lived in his dad's basement when he was 28.
• Always compensating for something..

Fairy Godmother

“May all your endings be happy and..oh you all know the rest!”

Advantages

• The most experienced villain here, with over 60 years worth of scheming
• Has the versatile abilities and arsenal in base/has the most amount of haxes
• Has the most varied army with the most amount of equipment via Charming and her factory workers
• Can summon more and more of her forces, via bringing furniture to life or summoning Trolls or stone warriors
• Charming fire weapons can quickly get rid of Lord Farquaad ghost form
• Can control Farquaads puppets or stone dragon if she wanted to
• Shields and teleportation can negate Horner’s unicorn horns
• The greatest song sequence in animation history…
• GILF mood?

Disadvantages

• …but her experience doesn't matter as much against Rumple who knows all about her and who she is.
• Could potentially by incapped by the Knights if she tries to use her bubble transmutation
• Her army doesn't have enough range to take out the Witch army
• Can be incapacitated if her wand is taken away or destroyed, which the explosives could take care of.
• Jack knows of her magic abilities, and could potentially target her first
• Her son is the main villain of Shrek the Third…
• Her son is the worst villain in the franchise

Rumpelstiltskin

“How's that for a metaphysical paradox?! Looks like you got exactly what you wanted!! HAPPY OGRE DAY!!!”

Advantages

• Is the smartest and most successful manipulator, has the biggest scale in his schemes, and is the most strategic villain in the blog
• His magic senses let him keep track of everyone else despite the numbers he has
• Has the biggest amount of numbers via over 100 witches, all of them being able to summon explosive pumpkins, having knights cover his castle, and having humans all across Far Far Away
• Pied Piper is the Kamek of the whole blog and can deal with the forces surrounding him, being hard to really counter
• Using in-universe scaling, his army is the fastest, strongest, and can one shot everyone with Pumpkin bombs.
• Dragon is not only the most powerful here, she can directly counter Farquaad
• Has experience with Fairy Godmother, her magic, and knows what she wants most.
• Shrek 4 is really underrated y'all..
• Seriously, it's a really good movie..

Disadvantages

• Is physically the weakest villain in the battle royale if he's left vulnerable
• Jack Horner could potentially use the trident to take out most of his Witches
• Jack could resist the Pied Piper’s Broadway force which could give an opening
• Pied Piper could potentially get possessed by Lord Farquaad, who he has experience possessing
• The guy had to watch his best friend explode right in front of him then was forced to dance 💔
• Got caged up like he was a pet, that's disrespectful as fuck 💔

Jack Horner

“With this wish…I will finally be…the master of ALL MAGIC!!!”

Advantages

• Has the biggest most varied arsenal, more unique incap options via turning to gold, sealing, and unicorn horns
• Has the most amount of CQC weapons via normal weaponry and Excalibur
• Can use Unicorn horns to deal with the numbers gap via spamming them everywhere
• Wishing Star Map gives him AOE via environmental shifting
• Giant Form let's him upscale a lot of support in the royale
• Trident could potentially take out half of the Witches
• Can resist Pied Pipers Broadway force and the Golden Crown via resisting the cuteness stare
• Could potentially target Fairy Godmother first via knowing her magic
• He's an irredeemable monster!!
• One of the best modern cartoon villains

Disadvantages

• Has the smallest and most disposable army in the entire royale
• His arrogance is his undoing, isn't too likely to use his arsenal to their full degree
• Is vulnerable to getting outsmarted or taken by surprise by Rumple or Fairy Godmother
• Still gets outnumbered by the numbers and scale of Fairy Godmother and Rumple's army including Dragon
• Least experienced villain in the royale
• …but the Trident is circumstantial and he probably wouldn't think about using it
• His unicorn horns gets negated by Fairy Godmother’s shields and teleportation and the Witches flight
• What did he do to deserve this??!? I mean what specifically!!
• Exposed to more toxic chemicals than one John Mulaney

Conclusion

All of these villains proved that they were more than meets the eye, and they definitely proved that Shrek is just the goat. However, only one of them got there almost happily ever after. Farquaad’s ghost form may be powerful, but he had too many exposable weaknesses and got incapped too easily, once again ending up alone and vulnerable. Big Jack Horner may have had a good amount of incap haxes via his weapons, but he got outnumbered in the end and his arrogance became his undoing. Fairy Godmother may have been the most versatile and had the best variety, but just had too many holes in her win conditions to come out on top. Rumplestiltskin had the numbers, firepower, strategy, and unavoidable incap methods to prove that he's the best Shrek villain! Farquaad may have had a short supply of wincons, Jack’s arguments were given a thumbs-down, and Fairy Godmother couldn't spell a W; Rumple was able to deal with his opponents and prove that he truly is…an All-Star!

The Winner is Rumpelstiltskin!

Final Tally

Lord Farquaad (0)

Fairy Godmother (0)

Rumpelstiltskin (5) - FMT, MCPunk, Morta, ScaratMoon, Roxx

Jack Horner (0)

What's Next?

The Thing vs Raph... don't feel like posting a trailer lol. 

Credits:

Shrek vs Manny by DBE blogs

Shrek vs Beast by ME!

And thank you MCPunk, Morta, ScaratMoon and Roxx for helping with the verdict!