Welcome to DBB
Monkey, Monkey Monkey Monkey, Monkey.
Hmmm…Monkey. We all know Monkey. Monkey is monkey. But sometimes Monkey isn't enough and we have problems that need fixing. Robber breaking into your car? Wood broken? Need something to stick the wood together so you can beat the robber to the fucking curb? Well these monkey's can help with these kinds of problems! Whether it's car safety, protection, home renovation or home construction, these Apes will help you any way they can! Despite being kinda terrifying. These Monkey Monkey's are…
Trunk Monkey: the coked up ape that will murk someone to protect your automobile
Gorilla Glue Gorilla: your local large ape friend that will help with your fixing needs
You know me, FMT
And it's time to see which Advertisement Ape has the best Arsenal, Abilities and Actions to find out who will be sentenced to Death By Blog
Before We Begin
For this blog we will be going through the extensive commercial lineup for these Apes. So yeah we'll walk through all of their commercials, ad history, website stuff, and basically anything else we can find for these dudes. We'll even go through the book stuff and how their products work when in the real world. Mainly focusing on all of the Gorilla products and Trunk Monkey defense. So not too complicated but we'll go through everything they got.
Background
Trunk Monkey
"Earn customers for life”
Suburban Auto Group was founded in Birmingham, Michigan in 1948 as an Oldsmobile dealership. They opened the door for automobile protection for many years to come, but they needed someone to show that their vehicles are well protected. What other animal is insane, protective and would attack those who disturb them? Ofc..a Chimpanzee. That's when they introduced the Trunk Monkey. A monkey that would be advertised as a special line of defense against robbers, intruders and basically anyone you don't like. For many years he would be the spokesperson for the car company and raise the sales for the company, even now the Trunk Monkey is the favored mascot..even making Banana pies for everyone in the office! The Trunk Monkey would truly prove that if you wanna defend your car, it takes a lot of…monkey business.
Gorilla Glue
"For the toughest jobs on planet Earth
The year was 1994, Mark Singer saw a Danish-made polyurethane glue being used to make teak furniture. After seeing how it was used, he decided to start his own glue company to make a glue that would be better than any other. But there's one thing he was missing, a strong and durable mascot to showcase how strong and durable his products were, but of course..a Gorilla would be perfect. That's when the Gorilla Glue Gorilla was born. He would be the mascot and spokesperson of the company, showcasing a handy and helpful nature to prove how helpful this glue product was. He would help the sales on Gorilla Glue and its other products skyrocket in sales, and he would continue to bring people their gorilla products. That's why whenever you need something for your construction or repairing needs, the Gorilla is here to help you as well!
Skill and Experience
Trunk Monkey
The Trunk Monkey is truly the perfect spokes-monkey to represent automobile defense. He's quite known for his insane technique of “beat the shit outta you." He's fought boxers, he's fought aliens, he's fought and chased down children. He's constantly known for knocking people out and making sure no one will cause danger to you and your car. He's also pretty smart, he can drive a car and he knows the functions of his automobile company and even became a spokesperson for it. He's truly the perfect ape for the job..
Gorilla Glue
This gorilla is a perfectly fit spokes-monkey for Gorilla Glue. He's very knowledgeable of the products he sells and he always knows what kind of products people need depending on the situation. You'll see him venture though neighborhoods and stores in order to see where he's needed and what Gorilla Glue products will be bought for Multi-purposes. As you can tell the Gorilla is very knowledgeable on the Products he sells and what they're used for, he's clearly done research for this job..
Arsenal
Trunk Monkey
Cars
He's a Trunk Monkey right? What are trunks a part of? That's right! Cars! The Trunk Monkey may always stay inside the trunk of the car, but he can also drive them! (Not well) I mean he's the mascot of a Car Company, of course he's gonna have their fucking cars..
Police Segway
The Trunk Monkey not only runs this business, he also runs from the police!
Banjo
Uhhh, he meant dueling Banjos..not dueling WITH Banjos.
Shotgun
Hey there Trunk Monkey! Watchu got ther-
GODAMN
Samurai Sword
What happens when a Monkey needs to defend your car from perpetrators? He needs a fucking sword.
Defibrillator
Oh hey, he knows medical safety too! Truly a saint isn't he..
Monkey Wrench
Haha, I get it…
Crowbar
Sometimes you need something more than just advertisement to get people's attention, sometimes you need a good ol ‘crowbar.
Gorilla Glue
Gorilla Glue
Oh Gorilla Glue, of course! Gorilla Glue has many useful properties, it's strong enough to repair almost any kind of damage by forming a strong bond with many materials. It's very water resistant so your materials won't be decomposed under the weather. These products are able to withstand many harsh temperatures and only take almost a minute to dry. These products come in clear, white, or even Super Glue!
Gorilla Super Glue
Oh yes here we are, of course! The Gorilla super glue is an even more super innovation in comparison to the original Gorilla Glue. Its adhesive is developed for long-lasting repairs in an instant, and it's reinforced for increased impact resistance to handle bumps and drops. Like everything, it's truly gorilla tough.
Gorilla Tape
He has tape too, of course! The Gorilla Tape is an excellent and touch repair barrier, a superior weather resistant coverage and gives durable high tensile cloth reinforcement. Gorilla Tape has exceptional strength and is very hand tearable. This tape is useful for any kind of patches and repairs, and it'll be very handy for repair use in general.
Gorilla Construction Adhesive
Need something powerful for construction uses? Use Gorilla Construction Adhesive, of course! Gorilla Construction Adhesives are designed for heavy-duty construction and industrial applications. They provide a strong, long-lasting bond that resists peeling and tearing. Need to construct something with wood or other building materials? Gorilla Construction Adhesive is sure to work.
Gorilla Hot Glue
Of course! Y'all get the gist. Gorilla Hot Glue is a tough and versatile adhesive that can withstand seasonal temperature swings. It can be used with both high and low temperature glue guns, and it can bond a variety of materials, including wood, plastic, floral, fabric, leather, and more. This product is best used for household repairs, and it will definitely fit your craft!
Other Gorilla Glue Products
Because I don't feel like getting a gif of every Gorilla Glue product…of course…
Abilities
Trunk Monkey
Shape shifting
What happens when your Trunk Monkey control is broken? Well you might not get the Trunk Monkey. But do not worry, a quick fix and the Trunk Monkey is good as new!
Chimpanzee Physiology
Now since Trunk Monkey is just a normal average Chimp, we can apply some real life chimp facts and feats. First things first, Chimps are fucking terrifying. Chimpanzees are insanely..well..insane. There have been many cases of groups of Chimps fucking jumping and overpowering families of Silverback Gorilla's and even killing their offspring. Chimps are also very smart, they have been known to make spears as weapons in order to hunt down and kill smaller animals. Remember, they share 98% of their DNA with humans and have IQ tests to show that they're incredibly smart. They're the best animals when it comes to making tools for multi-use purposes. They can commit coordinated and premeditated attacks on those who anger them. They're known to become very aggressive very quickly, if they're really annoyed or pestered by something you're doing, or if they just feel bothered..then they'll probably rip your fucking face and limbs off easily. Chimps are very strong and durable, they can rip limbs off like a banana peel, fight with other chimps just as strong as them, and they can even survive multiple bullet wounds. They're also very fast and can run at 25 miles per hour, their body structure is primarily designed for climbing trees, which contributes to their quick bursts of speed. Let's just say don't challenge a chimp to a race. In a short sprint, a chimpanzee could easily outrun a human due to their speed and agility. These incarnations of demons won't just try and kill you, they'll make your death and maybe even life (if you survive) as painful as possible. So how do you survive being attacked by these ferocious apes? Well here's a funny thing
You don't.
Just be the luckiest person alive.
Gorilla Glue
Teleportation
How do you even explain this…
Gorilla Physiology
Now you're probably expecting me to say some crazy shit about Gorillas being kaijus that probably battled Hercules and won. But there's more to Gorilla's than their pure strength. These Beastly Gargantuans are more like Gentle Giants. Gorilla's are known to be heavily pacifistic and will only attack if they feel threatened or challenged, so basically don't stare them in the eyes or smile at them..they treat that as a challenge. But they won't actually harm you if you don't do anything to make them feel threatened, sometimes they'll even help injured human children and try to protect them, treating them as one of their own. They're also very smart, they will track down certain locations and even learn human sign language to communicate, plus they are very aware of certain situations. However they're still very powerful creatures and agitating them would very much be a mistake. Gorilla's are very strong, they weigh 350 pounds, have a 1300 psi bite, and they're 6 times stronger than humans; they're even said to be strong enough to flip a car. And they're shown to be able to run at 25 miles per hour, so yeah they're pretty fast too. However Gorilla's aren't necessarily fighters, they will use their strength to become living sledgehammers and flail their arms against their opponents. But as said before, they won't attack you unless they truly see you as a threat, but otherwise they're gentle Pacifists who are a lot kinder than most think.
(Tldr; yes..they lose to the bear.)
Resistances
Trunk Monkey
Heat Manipulation - can literally resist being inside the hot trunk 24/7
Gorilla Glue
Heat Manipulation - Gorilla’s can survive hot climates? Ig?
Actions
Trunk Monkey
Overall
Literally carries his company on his little monkey back
Has made the sales of his company go even higher
Has defeated Aliens, Boxers, and more dangerous of all…road ragers.
Actually has some of the greatest commercials I have ever watched
Strength
Was able to carry a grown man and drop him off a bridge
Was able to restrain a grown man up against a car
Quickly knocked out a grown man
This mfer knocks people out constantly
Speed
Was able to chase down 3 children down and even catch them
Was able to outmaneuver bikers and boxers in a fight
Durability
This mfer has never actually gotten hurt.. uhh..the feat shown above yeah.
Gorilla Glue
Overall
Also carried his company on his very large…..silverback..
Has sold millions of Gorilla Glue products over the years
Has also made the sales of his product skyrocket
His ads are also pretty enjoyable (I'd watch em without skipping)
Strength
Was able to shake a whole car
Speed
Idk this was pretty quick movement
Durability
Ofc he never gets hurt, his whole thing is safety lmao
Weaknesses
Trunk Monkey
The Trunk Monkey may seem like an overall competent business, yeah he's not lol. Sure he's helped sell a ton of cars but he's very much known to become quickly coked up and attack people nearby him. He's also insanely immature and will not take a job seriously, when I say he goes bananas I mean it. In fact he had no idea how to handle selling cars in the first place, it's why this motherfucker is inside trunks. Let's just say, don't expect a good job from the Trunk Monkey, he might end up just making things a little bit worse..
Gorilla Glue
So yeah Gorilla is a fucking.. gorilla, but he's never actually been in combat before. Sure he's good at being a strong face of his company and is known for his product being strong, but he's never been tempted to combat once before. He's mostly a helpful and handy guy who just shows up to give people Gorilla Glue Products. In fact, even in the middle of action where a serial killer was trying to kill a guy, instead of helping to stop the murder; he just gave the murderer Gorilla Glue to fix their weapon and walked off. It's funny, these mascots actually fit in the nature of the animals they actually are…
Verdict
Chimp vs Gorilla. Tiny Chainsaw vs Gentle Giant. Car Safety vs Household safety. Which Monkey Mascot will make it out alive? Let's find out…after these messages! This Blog was sponsored by the Suburban Auto Group, do you you need an affordable car but are too poor to buy something nice? Suburban Auto Group is here to give you something that's not only affordable, but Guaranteed to be protected. But what happens if your car gets damaged? Well that's a job for our next Sponsor, Gorilla Glue! With the products of the Gorilla company you can repair and fix any household or construction need in your life. Car has broken parts? No problem! The Gorilla company will repair any small damages and will put you automobile up to standard. Thank you Suburban Auto Group and The Gorilla company for sponsoring this blog! (I'm not actually sponsored, but I would like to be…)
Experience/Skill
Now in a fight between apes who are naturally fit for advertisement and business, you'd think this would be a fairly easy category. The Gorilla is well…a Gorilla, and he would have the battle attributes of a normal gorilla. But only the Trunk Monkey has actually been in physical combat. He's fought boxers, people with swords, aliens, and he's knocked out Grown men constantly. Meanwhile even in a situation where he'd need to intervene with combat, the Gorilla has simply never had combat or physical experience.
As for their smarts, they're definitely very smart. The Gorilla knows the knowledge of all his products and when they're needed and the Trunk Monkey knows how to drive cars, and is somewhat educated on his business model. But yeah we've only seen the Trunk Monkey be more capable of outskilling the Gorilla since he can battle with or a sword and knows how to use tools like fucking guns. And this is backed up by actual research, a Chimp is said to be more intelligent than your average gorilla, and with his tool use and better learning ability; Trunk Monkey would have an advantage over Gorilla. This category goes to the TRUNK MONKEY
Arsenal/Equipment
Makes sense this would be the biggest part of the debate considering who these guys are. Now the Gorilla definitely has more products to offer, with the amount of strong adhesive and tapes he would definitely take the advantage in variety. His Glue could possibly distract or stop Trunk Monkey for a bit considering it's properties and he could probably try and glue him to a surface. But it won't actually kill him, and the Monkey will get out eventually.
Meanwhile Trunk Monkey has……a gun. Yeah.
Aside from THAT he also has a sword, a car, a crowbar, a wrench, a defibrillator..ok yeah you get it. Nothing is stopping Monkey from just shooting the Gorilla multiple times with a Shotgun, especially since they're strong enough to even defend against Bears. And of course Monkey could just fucking hit Gorilla with a car multiple times, and he has a lot of them. Yeah this category may be a little unfair…this Category goes to the TRUNK MONKEY
Abilities/Powers
This should be a simple category. Now they do have genuine abilities, Monkey can shape shift into other animals and Gorilla can teleport. The only problem is that, they're not exactly helpful…sure Shape shifting would definitely help against the size of Gorilla but it can only happen if someone on the outside messes with the Trunk itself. And Teleportation would absolutely be helpful if it was used offensively, considering the fact Gorilla has never used his teleportation to actually do anything besides giving people Gorilla products. So these abilities wouldn't really be too helpful to the debate.
As for the their physiology, this would be different. While Gorilla's can get easily challenged and resort to violence, their nature would start with pacifism and they don't normally murk someone without a ton of aggravation. Chimps on the other hand get aggravated so easily that simply bothering them will end your life. And as said before, the mascots do genuinely match these descriptions since Trunk Monkey has constantly resorted to violence and even death (like when he threw that guy off the bridge.) so it's a lot more likely that Monkey would just instantly kill Gorilla or use his weapons before Gorilla could attack him. This Category goes to the TRUNK MONKEY
Scaling/Stats
Now this shouldn't be a surprise but Gorilla would be physically stronger than Monkey. Not only cuz Gorilla's are already way more powerful than Chimps and can bench cars. But we've also seen that Gorilla himself is able to shake a car, which is more impressive than anything Trunk Monkey has done. So yeah Gorilla would absolutely be stronger….
As for speed, well they would be equal in that category considering their actual animal nature. But with feats we've seen Monkey capable of fighting back with swords and reacting to hands a lot of times in the commercials. Not to mention he can drive a car decently well and react to things in speed. Plus Chimps are naturally much more agile than Gorilla's and we see that even with Trunk Monkey, so yeah easy category Conclusion..AP goes to GORILLA GLUE GORILLA and speed goes to TRUNK MONKEY
Summary
Trunk Monkey
Advantages
Has a way better arsenal and weapons in comparison
Is much Smarter and more consistently skilled
Should be faster and more agile than Gorilla
Is More likely to kill and attack Gorilla first
Better commercials tbh….
Can make a mean Banana Pie
Disadvantages
Should be weaker than Gorilla
Less versatile
Has been charged with dozens of crimes
Has way less commercials than Gorilla…
Gorilla Glue
Advantages
Should be normally stronger than Trunk Monkey
More Versatile than Trunk Monkey with all of his gorilla glue products
Teleportation would probably help a bit…
Better businessman tbh
More mentally sane
Disadvantages
Less skilled in combat and weaponry
Generally slower than Trunk Monkey
No answer to GUN
Bro just lets a murder happen
Flex tape better smh…
Conclusion
In conclusion (yes that's what this is called!!!)
Gorilla would be stronger, more versatile, and would be generally more competent than the Trunk Monkey. In fact if he managed to get one really good hit in then he could possibly take the Monkey down for good. But Trunk Monkey is not only Faster and more agile than Gorilla, he just has an arsenal that Gorilla just can't answer to. Like a gun….a gun. Not to mention Monkey is just way more experienced in combat, generally smarter, and would be the first one to even get the kill in or attack. Also once again…GUN..and cats…he has a lot of cars. Unfortunately despite its great integrity and power, Gorilla Glue could help Gorilla with an Automotive Ape. While Trunk Monkey had a better auto-motive to kill, Gorilla just couldn't glue together a secure victory.
The Trunk Monkey has escaped this deadly fate and is tonight's winner
Gorilla Glue Gorilla on the other hand, has been sentenced to Death By Blog
THE WINNER IS TRUNK MONKEY
What's Next?
It's showtime.
Credits:
Credit to me for making SUCH a peak blog smh.
Anyways uh, yeah this is the final frontier. Hope y'all enjoyed this fun little blog cuz next time..is Showtime.
